Before I begin todays ‘tale from the supermarket’ I should just explain, so that this all makes a bit more sense, that I have of late been trying to teach Kit ,3, the subtle art of discretion. Pre-schoolers aren’t very backwards in coming forwards and having taught them that ‘honesty is the best policy’ I’m now working on ‘honesty is the best policy and even better when done discretely’. My mind wanders back to 1998 when at an underground stop in London my 3 yr old pointed at the rather angry looking individual behind us with the green Mohican and laughed out loudly “look at that silly man – he looks like a duck with green hair!” Kit is getting to that age now, she sees all and says all, so far we’ve had such gems as “Mummy look at that lady – she has EEEEE-NORMOUS BOOBIES!” and “Mummy look that man has no hair where has it gone” not to mention the cringeworthy “Mummy why has that man got a big fat tummy?” So picture this – we’re grocery shopping and we reach the checkout and I scan for the shortest queue. The one we go to has ‘trolley pusher guy’ working the till.
I should probably explain about ‘trolley pusher guy’ - I spotted him a week ago pushing trolleys (funnily enough!) when he winked at me. Now when you reach the age of 36 you hold any wolf whistles and winks in high regard, I don’t understand it really but even though I am in fact a sexual goddess this is a rare occurrence these days. Trolley pusher guy is a mystery to me however, this is because he’s got a certain, how can I put it? ‘Look’ about him. He’s either a really cool indie kid who is rocking the rather smouldering Nick Cave vibe OR he’s a social reject who trawls the main road for road kill that he can take back to his mother to roast for his tea. It’s a close call.
Anyway I digress, we are at the checkout and as the endless scanning and beeping nears its end Kit tugs on my leg and says with some urgency
“Mummy I need to talk to you – in private –now – it’s important!”
Surprised but intrigued I crouch down and she whispers in my ear
“Mummy look at that mans nails!”
Baffled but trying to act nonchalant I glance across and look at his nails – EEK ! Thick ,yellow and very long nails ! NOOOOO ! Is this the kind of man that I attract these days?! I went from feeling rather flattered to rather itchy in a heartbeat!
Needless to say I washed my veg. thoroughly when I got home (and that’s not a euphemism either you filthy minded beasts!)