The phone rings…
“He’s asked me to write him a note to say that he can’t do PE because he’s ill. He says he’s cut his arms and doesn’t want people to see”
“Oh”
Teenagers. Steroetypically bottomless money pits, frequently good at lasting hours on end without actually speaking, occasionally smelly and a tad emo. In reality intelligent budding adults, under immense pressure from ever-increasing educational goals whilst coping with the hormones that come with teenagehood and the generally unbelievable imagery of their peers as portrayed by the media. Hands up who would like to be a teenager again? Not I. Ok so maybe I do have fond memories of my first bottle of lemon Hooch and a quick frenchie with Eddie Hitchings in the field at the end of the road I grew up in but I also recall endless homework, body image issues and the pressure of the dynamics of being in an all girls grammar school.
One of my teenage sons is suffering from depression. On hearing this his father asks me to speak to him about it. I settle down, pour myself a glass of wine and dial the number, my son answers, he sounds nervous. I go out on a limb. I talk openly of my struggles post rape and domestic violence that led me to no longer live with him and of the subsequent self harm. ” I would cut my arms” I tell him “I’d close the curtains, put on some music, Bloc Party’s Silent Alarm album I believe it was and take a razor blade from under the bed”.
This approach could be seen as risky, but I am far from glamourising the act, I was opening up to him, holding a hand out and letting him know that I may not know exactly how he’s feeling but I do know how it feels to feel helpless, lost and desperately wanting to grasp an ounce of control. For me that was what cutting myself was, control and coping with pain. I explain to him that people do it for many reasons, it doesn’t mean necessarily that he’s got a mental illness and I pause, waiting.
And then he speaks. He speaks of his friends troubles, depressions, cutting and of how he feels. Openly. We talk and it helps us. It helps him, it helps me.
Cutting can happen for many reasons, experimentation, peers doing it, depression, loss, anger, the need for control, mental illness, self expression and even boredom. It can be scratching with a compass to cutting with a knife or razor blade.Talking about it is a huge step in the right direction. I have opted not to judge, not to chastise and not to over- react. I understand that it’s not the actions of someone who feels life is peachy however I also understand that it’s an outlet. It’s not taking drugs or consuming alcohol to cope.
I explain of the long term drawbacks of self-cutting. Even years after you stop from time to time people will mention the scars. If you cut yourself you need to accept this and take responsibility.
I’m happy for a note to be written to say that he can’t do PE. But not because he has a cold but because he has cut his arms. I believe that the more people around a person are aware of what is happening that the less likely it is to happen.
We hang up. Minutes later a text comes to say that talking has helped. Talking always helps, don’t ever be afraid of it.
I sit and I think that I am a bad mother, that this is my fault, this is what happens when a mother leaves her children at a young age. And then I snap out of it, I accept it, I take responsibilty. It’s not a question of blame, it’s a question of helping him deal better with his emotions. I pour the rest of the wine down the kitchen sink and heat some milk in the microwave and draft a blog post, this blog post and it sits in the backend of my blog until it’s not too raw to publish.
Related reading:
Understanding Self Harm – Mind.org.uk
More young people are self harming, say children’s charities - BBC.co.uk
Understanding Teen Cutting and Self Injury c/o Parenting.org
I'm Annie and I live in the depths of the New Forest. Mother to many, wife to one, blogger, creative type, lover of real books and a bit of a lush.
annie you never cease to amaze me on what a wonderful woman and mother you are, don’t you ever forget that x
HPMcQ recently posted..weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I love you Vanessa x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
What a hard post that must have been to write. You’re right not to blame yourself for what has happened, it’s your sons way of dealing with his emotions right now, not anything you have done in the past. He will get through this and he’s very lucky to have you on his side.
Mum Reinvented recently posted..Meal Planning Monday
Thanks lovely lady x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Very powerful post. Sometimes as parents, it can be easy to blame ourselves but more difficult to realise that by moving the focus off ourselves and onto our child that we’re really helping them.
Jennifer Howze recently posted..Silent Sunday
So true – it’s easy to wallow in it and get self absorbed , thanks Jen x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Raw post, loved it, felt the emotions. You are a great Mum for not over-reacting and being there. Please never blame yourself. xxx
Chelsea Williams recently posted..Today I Discovered Thriftyness!
Thanks for commenting Chelsea and being so supportive, it means a lot x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
((Hugs you tight)) you are a brave strong wonderful woman, and your son is a brave strong wonderful boy. Whatever else is going on you are lucky to have each other and if you keep talking you can get through anything xxx
Ruth recently posted..International Women’s Day 2013
If there’s one thing I can do it’s talk – you know this
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
*Huge massive hugs* I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to deal with it as a parent. You dealt with it amazingly, I can’t think of a better way to have handled it at all.
If you ever need someone to offload to or anything just shout me.
*More hugs*
Mrs Teepot recently posted..Down the Rabbit Hole
Thanks sweet cheeks, it seems we have much in common – appreciate the offer x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Annie, you are an AMAZING Mum, I wish I’d been able to talk to my mum when I was a teenager like your children can talk to you.
I hope together you can work through the troubles. xxx
Thanks Emma – I think by not being there with him, living with him and being the one to nag him to do stuff it puts me in a slightly better position to talk, oddly enough. I always find it easier to talk to people who I don’t have to see every day too x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Talking is so underestimated. If only someone had spoken to me when I self harmed rather than passing judgement, maybe it wouldn’t have gone on for so long. Like you, my Mum was open and honest. She hasn’t self harmed but she had suffered depression and just known that I wasn’t alone helped me profusely.
I pray that some day, everyone will have a mindset like yours. I can’t imagine how doff icily those words must be to hear from your own child, and you’re stronger than most. He’s a lucky kid x
Thanks for such an honest comment Misty, it’s really easy to make a snap comment or reaction to these things and I really do think it helped that I was able to sit and think about what to say and how to approach it before we spoke. Your mum sounds like a wonderful person x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Hugs and well done ou for writing this post. Well done you for talking so openly to him. Not many mums will do that. And you are a god mum! Remember that always!
I read somewhere that depression could be hereditary…that scares me. I don’t want to believe that.
Xxxxx
Romanianmum recently posted..Strawberry cupcakes
*hugs Otilia* x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Hugs back xxx
Romanianmum recently posted..Strawberry cupcakes
Huge huge love to you Annie, the way you’ve dealt with this is totally admirable. I’m so sorry your son is going through a rough patch. I think with things like this, the only way through is to talk. Honestly. Being on the “angry and react” camp will never fix this sort of thing, and will only prolong the confusion surrounding mental health… I truly hope things get better for him xxx
MummyNeverSleeps recently posted..Stripes
Me too Cas, me too x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Hope things are better now.
Rebecca recently posted..The Sunday Showcase: Art
Thanks Rebecca x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
You are such an amazing mum, Annie! Just because you are not physically around all your kids, doesn’t mean that you aren’t around them with your heart and soul. They know all the love and respect you have for them. That’s one of the reasons why your son talked and it’s the reason why he will get better, if he wants to. Big squishy hugs!
Carolin recently posted..February Food Favourite & Mother’s Day Chocolate Gift Ideas
Taking those hugs and loving them x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
A very moving post. From very limited experience I know that people find self harming a difficult issue and this is professionals. Your matter of face approach and being able not to judge shows that you are a caring mother. I hope to be able to approach any issue the teenage years may throw up with my son in such a calm and non judgemental way.
Brinabird and Son recently posted..Getting closer to nature
I’m sure you will deal with any teenage issues with empathy and love, emotions are a strange thing aren’t they? x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
I didn’t cut myself, but I did attempt to take an overdose at 16, spent 3 years in an abusive relationship with boy much older than me, then ended up with anorexia, bulimia and anxiety attacks. I loved/love my parents but don’t think I could ever have been able to talk to them so frankly, and I don’t think they’d have been able to talk to me and be open and honest with me. You are helping him, he’s talking to you, you are walking this with him. He is a very fortunate boy. Not all teenagers can feel they can reach out and trust their parents.
Hugs. Parenting is hard, when you see them walking a road you have walked, it hurts.
I agree and to be honest I wonder if we would have talked so in depth had we have been living under the same roof. The sense of detachment has helped in this case I suspect x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
I didn’t cut myself, but I did attempt to take an overdose at 16, spent 3 years in an abusive relationship with boy much. older than me, then ended up with anorexia, bulimia and anxiety attacks. I loved/love my parents but don’t think I could ever have been able to talk to them so frankly, and I don’t think they’d have been able to talk to me and be open and honest with me. You are helping him, he’s talking to you, you are walking this with him. He is a very fortunate boy. Not all teenagers can feel they can reach out and trust their parents.
Hugs. Parenting is hard, when you see them walking a road you have walked, it hurts.
What an incredibly powerful post. You are one amazing lady.
Mum of One recently posted..On not being the perfect Mum…
Love to you Jennifer x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Sharing and talking does always help but when you have to share such things with your children it requires enormous strength. You did an amazing thing for your son by showing him such openness, and also for us by sharing these very personal and difficult times here. Brilliantly honest. xx
Sarah Hill recently posted..Spring with a Hint of Slow Cooked Pork
I really do think its important for our children to see that we are fallible, emotional people and to be really honest in talking about how we feel – be it happy, sad or angst-ridden. If they can see that we have suffered and come through it it gives them a glimpse of hope me thinks x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
I totally agree. for my kids there trauma related start in life makes it vital that they feel comfortable in sharing their emotions and identifying them and the best way of doing this is by being open ourselves. Lots of love. xx
Sarah Hill recently posted..Gut Feelings
You are one very brave lady.
He is very lucky to have you.
Humbling to hear how you dealt with his emotions and yours.
Liska xx
Liska (@NewMumOnline) recently posted..Conscious Connections MUMS
Thank you Liska x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Annie, a very powerful post and the courage shown by you is amazing and I’m sure he felt a lot better just talking with you about it and not brushing the subject under the rug.
OneDad3Girls recently posted..What would you do?
In the words of Dory from finding Nemo – Just Keep talking, Just Keep Talking, Just Keep Talkkkking Talking Talking!
Or swimming. One or the other …
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Hi Annie, I work in a boarding school with teenage girls years 9-13, and self harming is a real hot topic. I have come to understand that it really is a symptom, and not the issue that really needs the most focus, if that makes sense. I have attended many seminars all over the country with lots of different speakers, and the general consensus is to not only talk, but to listen. And the only type of listening that is any good is to listen 100%. You have suffered some horrific things in your past, but this makes you understand the need to be heard, and this is probably what your son needs more than anything at the moment. Self harming is not an illness or something to be ignored, but it is something that makes us aware that there is a real issue that needs our attention and opening up to your son would have paved the way for him to trust ou enough to communicate openly with you, I feel. Time and distance is irrelevant. A mum is a mum, and we all need one of those xx
Thank you Rach, that’s really interesting to read. Communication seems to be key – thanks for highlighting the need to listen as well as talk – I really appreciate your comment x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
What a brave, moving post. A testament to the power of words (written, but mainly spoken) to heal and help. Thank you for sharing.
Nell @ the Pigeon Pair and Me recently posted..Velma Dinkley rocks
And thank you for reading x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Oh Annie, this must be so hard, I’m sorry.
Cat (Yellow Days) recently posted..Skinny Blueberry Muffins with Lemon Icing
It’s been surprisingly empowering to be able to talk to him about things – now pass me one of those blueberry muffins
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
I don’t see the point of regret. For me it’s all about now and the future.
Brave post.
helloitsgemma recently posted..A Britmums Carnival
That’s the perfect way to look at things Gemma
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
I only hope that, should I find myself in a similar situation with either of my Girls, I will be able to deal with the situation as openly. I can’t imagine it was an easy conversation for either of you and yet you ended up closer rather than further apart. That’s all I want: for them to feel they can tell me whatever they need to tell me.
Big hugs. It can’t have been easy.
Domestic Goddesque recently posted..Mother’s Day Gift suggestions
And with you wanting that it will happen Kelly, big hugs to you too – and I hope your blogging mojo returns soon too x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Fuck
Sorry, but fuck.
You are an amazing mum. Don’t ever doubt that. Your kids are stronger than they realize and will come through this because you are there for them. Maybe not as geographically close as you would like but emotionally. Closer than many who live in the same house
You are one of the most amazing people I know. And your son is going to get through this. By talking to you and reaching out that hand
I love you both
The end
And I love you too. Teenagers ey – who’d ave ‘em.
Oh yeah. Us.
And we wouldn’t have it any other way x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
I’d never be a teenager again. I don’t think many would. Hooch, Two Dogs – yum. Being a fatty, changing friendships, educational pressure – not so yum. I didnt cut myself, but I certainly knew people who did. And precisely because of everything that is piled on you, plus those hormones! And I think lots of people think it doesn’t affect boys as much as girls, as we are the ones with PMT once a month, so our hormone imbalance is out there and accepted. Whereas I don’t think it is the same for boys. People assume their hormones are kept in check by a magazine under the bed! Not so. It’s deeper than that. My close boy mate suffered with depression, and he used to talk to me about it, and you’re right, talking does help. And what a mature lad he is to text you so. Just in that little act he shows himself as a credit to you. I don’t know you, but from what I have seen of all you do in the blogging community I can safely draw the conclusion that you are a fantastic mother (I’m a lawyer and we don’t draw conclusions easily without seeing the evidence
. And the fact you got a teenage boy to talk to you, properly, is testiment to that. Much love x
Lorraine recently posted..Dad’s the word…
Thank you for commenting Lorraine. You are right, teenage boys can be over looked – take eating disorders for example, more and more boys are suffering with them. It strikes me that there’s never been such a hard time for youth growing up – the barrage of unachievable images they have before them is epic in scale.
And it’s always good to know a lawyer – not that I misbehave that much you understand
Thanks for commenting x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Ugh. My stepson went through this for a while. It was tough in lots of ways. As you know.
I really love your thought on the PE note–saying what was really the matter.
And about you questioning if you’re a good mother or not, leaving your kids when they were younger etc… My mother left when I was 10 months old. We later lived 1000 miles apart when I was growing up but she was always there for me on the phone. Our relationship develop through our many many conversations. I valued her time and conversation through many difficult moments in my life, even into more recent times, through divorce etc. You are giving your children something they may not have had if you had stayed. Trust that to be true x
Michelle | The American Resident recently posted..Snacky party mix
Thanks Michelle, it’s always good to hear things from the point of view from someone who grew up without their mother living with them, there’s a fair few bloggers that I have spoken to who have had similar. It’s one of those things that’s not talked about that much – maybe some absentee parenting posts may follow from this…
Thank you x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
ditto to all the above. i have never met you but you seem like a strong and determined woman, which should also help your son. such a strong and emotional post. here’s a hug. x
Mascara and Mud recently posted..silent sunday
And here’s one back *huggawugga*
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Thank you. I badly needed a post like this right now. You’re amazing, and your family (all of them) are so lucky that you’re their mother/wife/partner in raising children x
Actually Mummy… recently posted..I believe… please help: Wot so Funee?
I hope that things progress happily your end – chin up seems like a bit of a naff thing to say but I’ll say it anyway – chin up , and you know where I am if you need to talk x
Mammasaurus recently posted..The first cut is the deepest – ‘Mum I’ve been cutting my arm’
Powerful, honest and in a way wonderful. It is wonderful that your kids can talk to you like this. I wished I could have talked to my parents that way when I was a teenager! But hey we can’t all have amazing parents like you! You’re doing a great job, don’t ever let anyone tell you different!x
markus recently posted..Wednesday words 27/02/13 #WW
thank you for being brave and for being so honest.
fealteandrosebud recently posted..Hello Fatty
What you just wrote in this post shows what a fantastic Mum you are. We can only do the best we can with what life throws at us. One of my daughters does not live with us anymore, but with her Dad. It was her decision, it hurt like hell but ultimately it improved our relationship in a way I never dared to imagine or hope for.
Being “there” for your kids and supporting them in a caring but smart way just like you do is all that matters, really. xx
Funky Wellies recently posted..First Sunny Days
What a great post Annie, it’s so good to hear the way this is being delt with. Self harm has such a stigma attached to it. In 24 I started when I was 13 and only stopped when I was 21 completely. I was laughed at and not taken seriously, I never told my family.
You are a wonderful mother and person meeting you was something I never thought I’d do and in SO pleased I did, you’re ace xx
First post of yours I’ve ever read and it is honest and beautifully written.
Unknown Mami recently posted..Looking in the Mirror (Printable)
Amazing, Annie. And in that situation, hot milk is best. Big kiss, thoughts with you x
Knackered Mother recently posted..Present Day
What a brave post, but you are a wonderful mother and there for him. x
Susan Mann recently posted..The Funny Things My Children Say – 33
I am dreading the teenage years not least because I expect my son’s traumatic past to rear it’s not very pretty head and make that hormonal, emotion-fuelled time even more emotional and difficult.
Our therapist talks of sharing stories with our son (who’s only 6 right now)…sharing events and our pasts so he knows that we understand, and we’ve been through it and so we can join him in his inner world. If I can do that half as well as you have, then it gives me hope for our family. Thank you so much for sharing this with us xx
Stix recently posted..Gangnam Style, Goodbyes and Grandad
beautifully honest post – and I think your approach to your son is nothing short of warm and loving – by being so honest about your experiences, he won’t feel alone – will feel supported, and that he can turn to you is things get bad. X
older mum in a muddle recently posted..#Once upon a time – Fire
I have had to leave this post for a bit. Am glad I came now though. You are an amazing woman. I used to cut my arms. But there was this older lad and he got put in a mental hospital for a bit because of his self harming. He showed me the state of my arms and told me how lucky he was to be “ok” and that he didn’t want me to do it.
Fast forward over 20 years and I still have a pair of scissors, pink ones in fact, and instead I cut off bits of my hair – split ends, curly bits. It’s still about the control and I do it more when I’m depressed, but it’s not as harmful.
I hope, and am sure it will, everything turns out ok your end xx
pinkoddy recently posted..The Salims 16KidsandCounting Episode 1
Such a powerful post, you’re an incredibly brave and amazing woman. I wish I had had someone to talk to like you when I went through depression as a teenager. Talking was the best move. I push people away, but in the end as Bob once said “It’s good to talk”
My Two Mums recently posted..Monkey asks – Mad Blog Awards
That made me cry! You did a brave thing opening up to your son like that, but it was clearly the right thing for both of you. I only hope as my kids get a bit older I can be so strong with them.
This must have been a very difficult blog to post. Don’t even think for a minute that you are a bad mother, on the contrary you are incredibly strong and have years of experience that WILL enable you to help him. I hope that your son is getting all the help he needs at this difficult time.
Being there is being there whether you at the end of a phone or there in person. Being able to talk honestly will hopefully get you both far, that is what I am rooting for my end too. Teenagers have such a touch time, my posts remain in drafts still x
Ali recently posted..Not so perfect cooking