I’m hooking up over at Typecasts today for the final week of writing prompts for CLIC Sargents #dosomethingyummy. I haven’t managed any of the weeks leading up to this week and so I want to share something that I haven’t written about before now for the prompt ‘survivor stories’.
Last year I developed an eating disorder, it lasted for a year and mostly stopped when I started blogging. I know it’s not just me who’s gone through this and if you have too then it’s cool – you aren’t ’mad’, it just happens.
Purging disorder doesn’t officially exist. It’s not anorexia and it’s not bulimia. Technically it’s EDNOS – Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. If I ate even a tomato I would have to make myself sick afterwards. Not healthy…or a smart thing to do. Knowing those things makes the situation worse though – if it’s not healthy and bad for me then why do it? “I must be stupid I thought, stupid, vain and worthless” and there began the spiral of self-loathing. I became lost within my own mind.
Why do it? A desire for control? A cry for help? A sign I was deeply unhappy? Who knows. Not I. I had no reason to be unhappy, I had a loving husband, wonderful children, was financially secure – so many people are in terrible positions, the news every day shows us the murder in the world, the misery as the financial crisis deepens and families lose their homes and livelihoods - and there’s me feeling all sorry for myself. “Stupid, stupid me”. Self loathing continues…
I remember the day it started clearly. We had some sad news within the family about someone close to me. I had never in my life made myself sick before and I have no idea why I did it at that moment.I remember thinking “why did he not tell me before?’ ‘why can I not help him?’ Again stupid me. Me me me – it’s all me. I’m selfish, I’m not worthy of the people around me”.
Over the next few months I became fixated on my weight for the first time in my life. I only ate one small meal and ran 3 miles a day – every day. I lost 3 stone in 4 months. My right hand became really dry and cracked, my hair and nails brittle and I always felt so very cold. I didn’t tell anyone, no one noticed and to be brutally honest I started to feel really good about myself. “You’re vain“.
Six months later though and I felt emotionally drained. I’m not a person who finds it easy to keep secrets, I became constantly hungry which led to the purging turning into bulimia at times. I broke down into tears and told my husband.”I can’t go on like this – help me“.
Shortly after I started blogging and within a month I stopped purging altogether. I became focused on blogging and to this day I remain so. I’m not totally over it, recently I discovered I had out on a stone in the past few months and that set me back for a couple of weeks, but I really do feel that I am getting there now. “I can do it, I will do it“.
Survivor story? Possibly not – but certainly a survivor wannabe.
Do you have a story to share? Head over to Typecast’s and see the prompts for this final week:
- Personal post. Tell us your story of survival. What did you overcome?
- Yummy post. Do you know someone who has had cancer and survived?
- Creative post. Get your kids involved again – give them the prompt word “Survivor” and ask them to draw a picture or write a story and post up the results.
I'm Annie and I live in the depths of the New Forest. Mother to many, wife to one, blogger, creative type, lover of real books and a bit of a lush.
Gosh you really know how to pack a punch. This just shows though how therapeutic blogging can be. And having seen you in vlog world I would hate to think what you were like minus a stone in weight – you are perfect just as you are now. x
Thank you Kate x
You’ve survived and you’re telling the tale, which can only be a good thing. Problem shared is problem halved and all that! Sure there will be others who have done similar, and by getting it out in the open it helps so much. Carry on with the good blogging work!!
Good gracious woman you have been through so much in your life, you are definitely a survivor!! Look at what you have achieved with blogging and as a mother, you should be really proud of yourself!
Blimey, that’s quite a story there. Glad to hear you got over it.
Sounds like you are right on the money re. why it started – feeling helpless to do anything about Papasaurus’work situation. Hope that got sorted. Well if you swapped your purges for writing and generally being a fab all round blogging egg than that can only be agood thing. Great post.
Thank you my dear, it’s one of those things that I’ve been meaning to write about for a while but seem to keep putting off!
Think is one of the best things I have read about blogging so far!
It stinks doesn’t it? As a bulimia survivor I absolutely get the ‘feeling really good’ about
yourself. Just goes to show how strong the grip of it is when you are in the middle of it. Grrrr
Hurrah for blogging and another hurrah for you, think you’re a bit of superwoman actually
Oh I don’t know about superwoman, just maybe woman who doesn’t know when to shut up!
It’s reassuring to hear that I’m not the only one, the reality is that having spoken to bloggers before I know that it’s something that quite a few of us have suffered from at some point x
I wasn’t expecting this when I opened up your blog, but your story has really touched me. So honest and prepared to show and share your vulnerability, it’s why you are so great at blogging. Glad you’re on the mend. Dx
So glad your eating issues are resolving – who knew that blogging could achieve so many wonderful things?
wow well done sharing this. very brave and inspiring! i suffered similar stuff at university and it’s so good when you pull through and find new focus/confidence – congratulations. and thanks for sharing. B
Well. I don’t know what to say.
Had I known you well then I would have prescribed blogging. It is clearly fantastic therapy for you. You are good at it too, so you have something to focus on that can make you feel good about yourself. And lots of contacts telling you that. Please try to remember that on the days when everyone is distracted, things aren’t going well, or something negative happens. It is not about you – you are amazing, funny, caring, supportive, valid, smart, and good at what you do. Tell yourself that every day. In fact, copy and paste these words and frame them on a wall, so you can check it’s still true, even on a bad day.
x
You my dear are just the biggest and bestest most lovely supportive bod I know and I could squeeze you – as hard as your child labour squeezes the pink grapefruit for your gin based cocktails.
Talking of which I have 4 cans of the stuff lined up for this evening so don’t expect any sense out of me later
Well, that, right there, was a brilliant post which could only be written by a brillaint woman. Enjoy the gin
Jx
I’m so glad blogging has helped you. It is quite therapeutic having somethng to focus on isn’t it?
Hugs xx
Thank God for all our sakes you started blogging and found a way to unleash all the potential you have inside on your unsuspecting readers! I’ve spent some time trapped in the miserable world of eating disorders – it’s like quicksand; you stick a foot in and before you know it you’re up to your waist! I’m so glad blogging provided the distraction you needed. Thanks for sharing xxx
So glad blogging helped as you’ve become a force to be reckoned with in the blogging world!
If you ever fancy it take a look at ‘The artists way’ – I’m about to start it. It’s all based around writing and aims to help unblock creativity and get rid of the baggage that stresses us out. I’ll let you know how I do and if it’s worth it ;o)
So glad to hear blogging came to your rescue and interesting to hear how a food disorder can creep up on you like that… looks around a bit concerned… x
I self harm by starving my body of food, I neither am anorexic nor have I ever made myself sick, I just starve myself for days until I can barely stand, when I know I cant go another day then it stops and I go back to being a normal “but very small and picky eater”.
Yes it is for control and I have had it for years and yes I have had help for it but its what I do to cope x
Hugs x
Blimey, you’ve really “gone through the mill” haven’t you? (as my mum would say). I’m glad you’re out the other side of it now – just goes to show the support and therapeutic nature of blogging. Thank you for sharing. x
So glad that blogging replaced whatever was going on in your head to make you feel that way about yourself. Definitely a survivor – there’s so many ways to interpret that word anyway.
Thanks for joining in with this #dosomethingyummy prompt and for helping out with the social media shout out xx
Sounds like a survival story to me
Thanks so much for supporting #dosomethingyummy