I’m hooking up over at Typecasts today for the final week of writing prompts for CLIC Sargents #dosomethingyummy. I haven’t managed any of the weeks leading up to this week and so I want to share something that I haven’t written about before now for the prompt ‘survivor stories’.
Last year I developed an eating disorder, it lasted for a year and mostly stopped when I started blogging. I know it’s not just me who’s gone through this and if you have too then it’s cool – you aren’t ’mad’, it just happens.
Purging disorder doesn’t officially exist. It’s not anorexia and it’s not bulimia. Technically it’s EDNOS – Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. If I ate even a tomato I would have to make myself sick afterwards. Not healthy…or a smart thing to do. Knowing those things makes the situation worse though – if it’s not healthy and bad for me then why do it? “I must be stupid I thought, stupid, vain and worthless” and there began the spiral of self-loathing. I became lost within my own mind.
Why do it? A desire for control? A cry for help? A sign I was deeply unhappy? Who knows. Not I. I had no reason to be unhappy, I had a loving husband, wonderful children, was financially secure – so many people are in terrible positions, the news every day shows us the murder in the world, the misery as the financial crisis deepens and families lose their homes and livelihoods - and there’s me feeling all sorry for myself. “Stupid, stupid me”. Self loathing continues…
I remember the day it started clearly. We had some sad news within the family about someone close to me. I had never in my life made myself sick before and I have no idea why I did it at that moment.I remember thinking “why did he not tell me before?’ ‘why can I not help him?’ Again stupid me. Me me me – it’s all me. I’m selfish, I’m not worthy of the people around me”.
Over the next few months I became fixated on my weight for the first time in my life. I only ate one small meal and ran 3 miles a day – every day. I lost 3 stone in 4 months. My right hand became really dry and cracked, my hair and nails brittle and I always felt so very cold. I didn’t tell anyone, no one noticed and to be brutally honest I started to feel really good about myself. “You’re vain“.
Six months later though and I felt emotionally drained. I’m not a person who finds it easy to keep secrets, I became constantly hungry which led to the purging turning into bulimia at times. I broke down into tears and told my husband.”I can’t go on like this – help me“.
Shortly after I started blogging and within a month I stopped purging altogether. I became focused on blogging and to this day I remain so. I’m not totally over it, recently I discovered I had out on a stone in the past few months and that set me back for a couple of weeks, but I really do feel that I am getting there now. “I can do it, I will do it“.
Survivor story? Possibly not – but certainly a survivor wannabe.
Do you have a story to share? Head over to Typecast’s and see the prompts for this final week:
- Personal post. Tell us your story of survival. What did you overcome?
- Yummy post. Do you know someone who has had cancer and survived?
- Creative post. Get your kids involved again – give them the prompt word “Survivor” and ask them to draw a picture or write a story and post up the results.