I was having a chat to a friend on-line earlier about purging and eating disorders in general which has spurred on this post. She said something that made me feel slightly less freak-like and odd:
I recognise that I’m using purging as a coping device at a difficult time in my life. It won’t always be the way it is now, it will improve. That’s little comfort though when you are stuck in a cycle of eating a meal -> throwing up -> after an hour feeling ravenously hungry -> trying your best to ignore feeling hungry -> snacking on something small to stop feeling hungry -> feeling guilty for eating and throwing up again.
There’s nothing cool about eating one biscuit and feeling so bad that you have to make yourself sick. There’s nothing cool about having dry hands and discoloured teeth from overexposure to stomach acid. There’s really nothing cool about making yourself regurgitate spaghetti and nearly choke on it it’s way back up. And there most certainly will never, ever be anything cool about making yourself sick in to a restaurant toilet following a family meal.
However it is cool to admit you have a problem when you know you do. It is cool to recognise that you don’t feel your usual self. It is cool to share how you feel with people. It is cool to to extend an imaginary middle finger to an eating disorder and tell it that yes, for now you dictate my day to day life – but one day, when you feel emotionally strong enough to do so, you’ll fling it to the furthest corners of the World and manage quite nicely without it thank you.
And on that day it will definitely be cool to wear ninja black clothes and high kick at will.
I'm Annie and I live in the depths of the New Forest. Mother to many, wife to one, blogger, creative type, lover of real books and a bit of a lush.
That is all true enough but you do need to take care Annie xx
Tell it to haul ass now! You don’t need it! You are very cool all by yourself. You have the most amazing ideas, and when you get over the hurdle of charging people for them, you will make money, and take control again of your whole life. And what’s more it will be better this time because of all that you’ve learned and all the people you now know who think you’re ace!!!!!!!
xoxoxxo
I really hope you can find the strength to do that ass kicking, day by day & little by little every moment is a victory. I don’t know you but you sound wonderful and strong to me – you can beat it – take the time you need and be kind to yourself xx
You can beat this Annie, you are one of the strongest, loveliest people I have ever met. Please look after yourself. xx
You are such an inspiration and such a strong women. You kick ass at so many things, you’ll be able to beat this.
You need something that breaks the routine/habit for long enough to get you back on track. Despite your best intentions, it’s repetition that’s dragging you back not your weak will. You can master this is you break the cycle somehow, and for me that always happened when I wasn’t trying to engineer it – when life got in the way, I suppose. Good luck xxx
Hiya Annimus,
Big hug going out to you. Ring me if you need to ok?
xxxxxxxxx
P.S all the other posts about you being super-duper are spot on. We love you Annie!