I was having a chat to a friend on-line earlier about purging and eating disorders in general which has spurred on this post. She said something that made me feel slightly less freak-like and odd:
I recognise that I’m using purging as a coping device at a difficult time in my life. It won’t always be the way it is now, it will improve. That’s little comfort though when you are stuck in a cycle of eating a meal -> throwing up -> after an hour feeling ravenously hungry -> trying your best to ignore feeling hungry -> snacking on something small to stop feeling hungry -> feeling guilty for eating and throwing up again.
There’s nothing cool about eating one biscuit and feeling so bad that you have to make yourself sick. There’s nothing cool about having dry hands and discoloured teeth from overexposure to stomach acid. There’s really nothing cool about making yourself regurgitate spaghetti and nearly choke on it it’s way back up. And there most certainly will never, ever be anything cool about making yourself sick in to a restaurant toilet following a family meal.
However it is cool to admit you have a problem when you know you do. It is cool to recognise that you don’t feel your usual self. It is cool to share how you feel with people. It is cool to to extend an imaginary middle finger to an eating disorder and tell it that yes, for now you dictate my day to day life – but one day, when you feel emotionally strong enough to do so, you’ll fling it to the furthest corners of the World and manage quite nicely without it thank you.
And on that day it will definitely be cool to wear ninja black clothes and high kick at will.